Week 84: The Scottish #1

Friday, 9 August 2019

Reading time 01 minutes 58 seconds

Don’t look back in Anger – Noel Gallagher

I’m trying to be a nicer person. Who knew it would be so hard?

I stand on street corners. It’s a living.

I do this In order to sell my show at the Edinburgh Fringe festival by handing out flyers which details the venue, and show itself, and as I stuff them in the hands of passers-by, I try to convince them to come and see me as opposed to one of the other 3000 shows that are on every day. 

My favoured street corner happens to be 150 seconds from my venue.

I hand out hundreds of these daily, and for one lady I gave her my sales pitch and saw her smile as she walked away. A few minutes before show time I left the safety of my corner and walked the brief walk to the venue. I happened to stop by a kind looking lady and handed her my flyer.

She was not kind though. Anger erupted from her as it turned out someone else had handed her a flyer and she loved the sound of the show but on arrival was turned away as she had a child who was under 18. 
In her incandescent Scottish tones, she raged that I should tell my boss and ensure that all people who flyer in Edinburgh should make it clear that children can’t get in to some venues. 

My soft southern ears believe the raging Scottish accent sounds brutal when it may not be the case. As an example, I often think my Edinburgh landlady and her boyfriend are arguing when in fact they are flirting.

Anyway, I smiled and nodded and then explained that not all venues and acts are connected, and each of the 3000 daily shows are independent. I enquired what show she wanted to see and was pointed to the leaflet in her hand which had my face on it.

“Only I would have handed that to you” I said.
“Then it was you who made us walk all this way. With a child. It’s disgraceful. You don’t know what you’re doing.” She replied.

Her family were standing away from her as she vented at me and I envied them. I figured all of this aggression needed to go somewhere so it may as well go to me as it was strictly speaking my fault. I stood there, took the verbal volleys, and apologised repeatedly to have wasted her time but confessed it was not my intention. We repeated this dance 5 times until she bid me good day and stormed off. 

She was gone forever and not for the first time in my life I felt cheated as I didn’t put my point forward and have unresolved conflict which has been eating me up. Here’s what I wanted to say;

“You’re a really mean person”
“I didn’t know you were with your family and to be fair they are not walking near you, and I don’t blame them.
“Why not do what a lot of parents used to do and give your child a can of coke and a bag of crisps and get them to wait outside”
“It’s a very funny show and the kid does have an umbrella”

I feel better now I’ve got that off my chest. Thanks for listening. 

That makes me a nicer person, right?

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My next shows: Edinburgh Fringe Festival now until 25thAugust 2019

Solo comedy show
17:00 Skydive to stand up [45 minutes] Everyday

101 Comedy compilation show 14:30 & 19:30 [1 hour] Everyday

Both @ The Hanover Tap, 112 Hanover Street, Edinburgh. EH2 1DR

Picture: Me in New Zealand where my Skydiving Adventures began a couple of years ago