26th January 2018
Reading time 3 minutes 02 seconds
Today I was going to explain how my standard day looked but after posting last Friday’s update to Facebook a box arrived in the post…………..
The background;
As my continual health drive rolls boringly on I’ve noticed my energy levels are inconsistent, so I’ve decided to invest time, effort and money into seeing a specialist nutritionist to help resolve this.
My aims are;
Sleep better
Lose weight
Become healthier
Apparently my pooh is of upmost importance so we are starting there.
The box that arrived in the post was for this specific purpose and I’m unsure why but I was genuinely excited.
My bathroom experiences are unadventurous I’m in and out in 90 seconds. I consider myself very lucky, especially after hearing about my mates experiences.
Once you’ve exhausted Football there’s very little else that my bloke mates talk about.
One time I blocked the toilet and to help move it along its way, for some weird reason I thought boiling water would do it. All I did though was poach a pooh for 5 hours.
Back to the stool sample collection as it’s medically known.
The box contained;
Instructions.
The receptacle with fluid inside to keep sample fresh.
Disposable gloves.
Catching device.
Instruction 1:
Fit catching device across a toilet seat.
This was a piece of toilet paper that fitted onto the seat forming a slim paper bridge.
Once this was in position I squatted and did what needed to be done. Regrettably I missed the catching device and heard a satisfying PLOP!
Two hours later I tried again. This time I was On-Target.
Unfortunately the target broke. I can only guess this was due to Terminal velocity.
I’ve often been told I’m full of shit and this was finally an advantage.
After researching a better catching device on The You Tube or as I was now calling it for the day The Pooh Tube I was again ready.
Attempts 3 was a success.
Instruction 2:
Remove lid from receptacle ensuring you’re not in a pressurised environment.
Who is doing this on a plane? What confidence!
The receptacle had a very handy spoon built into the lid which meant I could return the tea spoon I had decided to sacrifice for this task.
Instruction 3:
Scoop from different areas of sample into receptacle close lid and shake vigorously.
I’ve never been this close to my poo before. Initially I was quite fearful of this experience but now I couldn’t stop laughing at the ridiculousness.
Upon dipping in the spoon I was very surprised by the consistency.
I was accomplishing the task and I’ve had worse jobs [pun intended].
I sealed the lid and shook vigorously, the receptacle that is, not me.
I proudly looked at my achievement. Today was going to be a great day.
Instruction 4.
Place receptacle into the Bio Hazard bag.
Bio Hazard?
I’ve produced a Bio Hazard!
Cool!
Instruction 6.
Put back into box kit arrived in and post to the following address ensuring it arrives by 1pm the following day.
Only send on Monday Tuesday or Wednesday it must be received within 24 hours of being placed in receptacle.
Surely this should’ve been instruction 1.
It was Friday, a wasted Friday.
I then reread the instructions and at the very top it clearly stated:
PLEASE READ ALL THE INSTRUCTIONS CAREFULLY BEFORE PROCEEDING.
Shit
It was at this point I decided to clean up.
I should have just broken the toilet paper bridge and let it fall into the pan but I stupidly tried to remove it the same way it was installed. This meant my mess went everywhere.
It was then a thought crossed my mind that I should have worn the supplied disposable gloves.
Maybe today wouldn’t be such a good day
I now have to go back to the nutritionist and explain like I have to my many colleagues and managers in the past that I am the fool that rushes in where angels fear to tread and could I please have another go.