Friday, 20 September 2019
Reading time 2 minute 60 seconds
Radio someone still loves you – Queen
Every week I write these stories of my life to overcome my shyness on social media. This is number 90. You know that because it says so above.
A good friend sent me details of an audition for local radio. The criteria for entry specified I must be able to tell a story for two minutes. I read that a few times before saying to myself that I have no stories. Those words left my mouth, then I wondered what I’d write about for Week 90.
Once I’d realised that I was a buffoon I wondered about the 2 minutes story I would tell at my audition. Here is what I have so far. I’ve gone old school and I’m going to list my CV.
I’d like some feedback from you lovely Facebook Folk on what else I should or shouldn’t say;
• Hello, I’m Mat Wills
• I publish extracts of my life weekly on Facebook for the last 90 continuous weeks read by hundreds of very kind people [that’s you, thank you!]
• I destroyed my dad’s kitchen with a chip pan fire
• I was a bellboy in a posh London hotel. I got drunk with arms dealers, failed to recognise Gary Lineker and I once almost stole £325,000. Twice
• I’ve worked the Black Forest as a kitchen porter where I killed fish, chopped up Deer and destabilised the Germany economy which may or may not have helped bring down the Berlin wall
• I’ve been hit and maimed by a car, a cyclist and a motorbike in three separate road accidents
• I maimed the author Terry Pratchet
• While working in investment banking I mistakenly deleted all their data and may have assisted in a financial crash due to my incompetence in IT systems
• I drank and smoked heavily for over 20 years. Memories of this are slowly returning and I’m starting to write about them
• I once travelled to Australia for the weekend
• I ‘ve travelled the world, which is really just a global pub crawl
• I became a skydiver which did not end well and was my solo Edinburgh 2019 Fringe show Skydive to Stand up
• I tried stand-up comedy
• I had what is considered to be the most unsuccessful internet podcast of all time for two years
• I’ve been in Love with 5 incredibly patient, clever, funny, amazing women
• I had an internet radio show for two years.
• If I get this job feel free to fire me around the two year mark
• I quit stand-up comedy
• I had both my hips replaced
• I retried stand-up comedy
• I re quit stand-up comedy
• I re retried stand-up comedy
• I went drinking in Bangkok and came too in Australia with body piercings and holes in my memory
• I’ve been chased by a crocodile, or maybe an alligator.
• I helped create a successful Edinburgh Fringe compilation show which is still running to this day
• I worked in a Children’s improvisation theatre show
• I went on a silent retreat
• I upset Damon Albarn and we haven’t spoken since, Dawn French and Jenifer Saunders are also not fans of mine
• I cycle, I run
• I’ve squished my left testicle which required surgery
• I eat ice cream every day
• I’ve never been to me
• I Love two cats
• My Name is Mat Wills
Have I missed anything?
Direct message me feedback or write it below. I like to know what I’ve done well and what I could improve upon.
Be kind to each other before you press the Share
Picture: Waving my hands in the air like I just don’t care