Friday, 19 July 2019
Reading time 01 minutes 37 seconds
It’s important to remember you are born naked, and the rest is drag – Ru Paul
The standard nightmare of most humans is being naked in front of other humans. It’s a universal theme that was beaten into our young heads. To me it’s ridiculous because we’re all born naked, we all get naked, and excluding a thin piece of clothing we’re pretty much naked most of the time. We are taught to believe that our naked bodies are a little embarrassing. Although my nightmare on this sadly comes from an actual event.
I was 8ish at school with a teacher named Mr Russell who loved to stage amateur comedy productions at the morning assembly’s in school. He was a very funny yet scary man, similar to Ronald McDonald but in corduroy.
I know the productions we good as my dad would take time off work, which he never did, to come and see them. Dad wasn’t the only parent there as you could not get a seat at any of Mr Russell’s productions. They made all of the children sit on the floor. They were very popular.
Dad was upset that my younger sister was not in his class as he no longer had a legitimate reason to be entertained. He always said that I shouldn’t grow up, probably so he could keep enjoying the free comedy mornings.
The one that haunts my dreams and makes my Mrs ask if I had that dream again is from a fashion show we performed in. We pranced up and down in various outfits while the Kinks song Dedicated Follower of Fashion played out of a tape recorder. We walked down the catwalk while one of our class mates would offer hilarious commentary on the clothing style then exit and quickly change into the next outfit.
My final costume change was into a Roman Toga which was an old bed sheet and for some reason that I can’t quite recall today I had not put on underpants. The horror of it struck me for one moment but I was a very professional model and the show must go on so I slipped out of one outfit wrapped the sheet around me and awaited my turn.
I then walked out, the audience laughed. I strutted down the catwalk like the supermodel I thought I was. As I turned the sheet slipped and my left bum cheek was there for all to see. The audience were already laughing due to the ridiculousness of the commentary and outfits and this put them into overdrive.
My nightmare consist of the laughter I could have got with both bum cheeks.
Picture: The end of the 13 hour Dunwich Dynamo 110mile, city to sea overnight bike ride from Saturday night.