Friday, 10 May 2019
Reading time 2 minutes 13 seconds
I started out with nothin and I still got most of it left – Seasick Steve
Marcus Aurelius the famous stoical Richard Harris look alike said there was once a dream that was Rome. I had a similar dream involving Milton Keynes.
I never thought a kid like me would achieve anything and I’ve done more than I could have ever hoped for so a decade ago I decided to set some goals to actually aim towards. They were;
1. Never visit Milton Keynes
2. Never sleep in a tent.
I’d made it that far without doing either and my life was great so they are clearly a contributing factor to happiness.
Last week I had to find a picture for this year’s Edinburgh Fringe show and went off target.
I’ve a very dirty shameful secret. My loft. I’ve just been dumping stuff there while reaching for a minimalist lifestyle. For everything I give away I put another item in my loft. It’s chaos up there. My rooms in my house are lovely, the loft Is my picture of Dorian Grey.
Out of sight, out of my mind that was until I needed a picture from my past that I knew were in the loft. Anxiety started to kick in about the thought of having to find it. The loft is a reminder that I’ve not decluttered or stopped hoarding, I’ve just delayed it for others after my eventual death.
I had 8 weeks to submit my entry for the Edinburgh show. It is seen by over a million people and hopefully a few thousand of those will want to come watch me. The photo was key and of utmost importance therefore I did nothing for 7 weeks.
Damm why didn’t Digital Photos exist back when I skydived, it would be so much easier. I’d worked myself almost up in too a tizzy and then I had a brain wave.
Just get a new photo. I’m not allowed to skydive due to an accident. So I went Indoor skydiving. The one closest to me was full but they had space in another branch in Milton Keynes or Manchester. I thought of my loft, my anxiety started to kick in. I then thought about the goal to not visit Milton Keynes and my anxiety doubled.
Life is full of dilemmas. So after a risk analysis was carried out using a coin I booked the indoor skydive in Milton Keynes. I avoid Manchester if I can as the friendliness is like kryptonite to southerners.
I then spent;
1 hour convincing my girlfriend I wouldn’t become a paraplegic. Truth be told I didn’t know if I would but I was more terrified of the loft.
2 hours driving there.
1 hour in a safety briefing.
2 minutes skydiving indoors.
4 hours driving back.
Just like my previous skydives, I was terrible. The years of not doing Pilates and Yoga had paid off and made me as inflexible as a brick, well that’s the word I hoped the instructor was shouting at me.
The time and money expenditure was more than I’d been on stage or earned for the entire month, but at least I didn’t go into my loft and I finally had my photo.
Later that night I needed a suitcase for my girlfriend as we needed to urgently see her family in Manchester. I had to go into the loft. A box I moved out of the way fell over and out spilled my old skydiving pictures.
The universe is a cruel place to be at times, but it beats the alternative.
I still have dreams and goals, I’m almost 50, there is about 15 good summers remaining, surely I can avoid sleeping in a tent.
Come see my Brighton show and you get a free alcoholic drink from the bar if you stay and give me honest constructive feedback.
It’d be a great help.
It’s on Saturday 18th May 13:30 in The Temple Bar, 121 Western Rd, Brighton BN1 2AD. Tales of skydiving and stand-up will be told.
I did a podcast with a friend of mine who I adore. Check it out. The link is shared on my page.
If I’m being honest her other podcasts with the guy I covered for are funnier as he’s a beautifully talented man who is annoyingly great.
Picture: Was it worth it?