Week 62: I’m Now A Cat Burglar

Friday, 8 March 2019

Reading time 2 minutes 54 seconds

Time spent with Cats is never wasted – Sigmund Freud.

World peace would be nice but I’d settle for a dog. 

This canine want led me to steal a cat. I’m unsure if that’s kidnap or catnap. I say stole, but in my mind I rescued her like a damsel in distress only to find out 12 months later I was played by folk far smarter than me.

I’ve never liked our feline friends, mainly because they are not dogs. Our canine friends on the other hand are caring, loyal, loving and a potentially great food source come the Zombie apocalypse. 

As a child we had a dog who I loved so much I’d eat Pedigree chum with her. To this day dog food still makes me feel hungry and loving.

My dad was told to keep our dog in doors every mating season and his reply was always the same, she won’t do anything, she’s a good girl. And she never did. 
I’d never heard him say the same about me…………… or my sister.

When I moved into my house I had to let a cat into my affections . I had no choice, she was there before me. I liked her as we had similar taste in TV programmes and only occasionally disagreed.

There was to be no more cats. We were getting a dog as soon as this one died, and then I went to the pub with an old school friend. Big mistake.
They ended up living around the corner from me and once they found this out her relocation plans started. 

We consumed a lot of booze that night, our excuse being it’s Friday. 

My pal mentioned getting her cat put to sleep as they couldn’t find a home for it. I understood this to be murder and I became enraged. 
How dare they do this I shouted. My Mrs who was with us laughed at my anger as did my friend. I apparently can’t do angry without looking very silly. I must have looked preposterous as I was fuming.

People who went to our school didn’t grow up as murderers. 
Thieves, worlds best snooker players, sure no problem, but Filicide? We were better than that. It’s just not how we behaved in our east London comprehensive. 
Our rivals at Forest school on the other hand were more the murdering type. I’ll never understand why we didn’t like our private school, privileged neighbours who were better educated and richer than what we was. My school pal had changed over the last 30 years, or maybe she just hid her murdering side well during double English.

I will not permit you to murder this cat, I proclaimed. Drink was spat over me as both women laughed again. Why were they laughing? I was asked in a very east London way what was I going to do about it. Well I’m not going to let you commit murder because it’s inconvenient. 
I’ll be over tomorrow and pick it up. 

My girlfriend asked about the plans to get a dog. We’ll discuss that after I’ve saved this poor creature.

We left the pub so I could sleep and sober up. The next day still fairly angry I drove over before a heinous act was committed. I wasn’t just saving an animal but my friend as well.

The cat was crying as I arrived. I picked her up put her in the cat box, the same way you put a condom on an elephant, carefully and with a few friends to help. 
She looked scared probably because she didn’t know what liberation looked like. I was a hero. I should be wearing a cape.

When I got her home my Mrs started laughing. She was weird that one.

The cat settled in. The other cat wasn’t happy but we adjusted and made it work. We are very adaptable. Our new Cat never liked me and would always run away. I was told she had a very soft coat.

12 months passed and my old school pal popped in one day. She told us how lovely everything was and wanted to see the cat, who did the right thing and ignored her. There were now two humans in the room she hated, but she misunderstood me, I was her saviour.

I mentioned that I was still shocked at her attitude over filicide and her and my Mrs started laughing like the night in the pub. 
We weren’t’ going to kill her you buffoon. We just needed you to find a reason to take her as your Mrs wanted another cat.

Me and the cat stared at my girlfriend? What? You engineered a conversation to get a cat?

I’d been played, our cat looked as hurt as me. 
The expression from this animal (my cat not my Mrs or friend) was incredible. We then had a moment where she told me with a simple look from her feline face that even though I mentioned in the car that I was saving her from a fate worse than death by not letting her move to Oxfordshire she didn’t know I was saving her from murder. Maybe mr . little guy you are the hero of my tale. It was a very intense look that conveyed a lot of information. 

We’ve been friends ever since, me and the cat that is. I’ve not seen my school chum and I’m very wary of my Mrs.

I’ve also yet to get a dog as the cats are still very much alive. I guess if I want that “sorted” I could ask an old mate and my girlfriend. 

This weeks photo is how I was perceived by a very talented artist I know from 5 years ago. I wonder how he’d see me now ?