Week 46: The Beds Too Big Without You

Friday, 16 November 2018

Reading time 2 minutes 57 seconds 

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source – Anaïs Nin

I have four very happy, but sadly failed, relationships under my belt and I suspect I have one pending because I’ve recently discovered that there is something I love more than my Missus. It feels like a dirty secret, but I know I’m not alone in thinking it and I suspect that most of you reading this will agree with me.

It’s sleep. I love sleep. Phew it feels a relief to say it out loud. 

When I was a teenager I could nap for hours, sometimes days, but now that feels as though it wasn’t even possible. Maybe I dreamt it? I have friends who have children and, bar one, they say they’ve never regretted having them, but they do miss their sleep. Those people who have more than one child must be masochistic as they knew what they were getting into. 

Sleep is literally keeping me awake at night.

Recently, since my partner’s “accident”, I’ve been sleeping alone, and I find I’m loving it. It’s created a dilemma as I now want us to split up, but only our beds, and I’m too afraid to address it as I know it would hurt her feelings. We could switch sides but if you’ve been sleeping next to someone you’ll know that is an exercise in futility as we’ve been sleeping this way for 7 years. We’re not arguing either but right now there is a broken arm in the mix and I don’t want to roll over and hurt her.

I’ve discovered that I get a better night’s kip alone and I’m anxious how I should broach the idea of separate beds. We need a bedroom big enough for three beds. One for intimacy and then two single beds for a good night’s rest. I’m pretty sure this is how Bert and Ernie addressed it.

Sometimes my own snoring wakes me up in the night and I miss her. If she’s in the other room I wonder who is stealing the duvet from me? Farting in bed seems almost a waste of time when you’re sleeping alone and I’ve now all that space and I still sleep on the tiniest bit of the bed, so I’ve concluded that I’m addicted to living on the edge.

I’m also washing double bedding which is bad for the environment

I have nightmares most nights and recently discovered, with the help of a professional, that if I take a magnesium supplement they cease. I’ve stopped now that I’m sleeping alone as I want the company of my dreams in bed even if they are terrifying. Our cat is confused and believes we maybe splitting up. At night the three of us are used to watching cartoons in bed then she meows [our cat not my partner] and leaves when we go to sleep but now I depart with her to the spare room. She gives me looks of confusion [my cat not my partner].

I’ve no one to tell me to go to sleep so I end up reading for too long. It’s as if I need an adult to tell me to sleep and say lights out. I bet there’s an App for that.

We’ve been together for 10 years, so sex is not our biggest priority although it is still important, just not as important. It reminds me of an episode of Seinfeld when Jerry said “Sometimes when people get involved with that (sex), they feel pressure to sleep over. When that (sex) is not really sleep. Sleep is separate from that. And I don’t see why sleep got all tied up and connected with that.” Jerry is my go to guy for these kinds of problems.

If I have the conversation there are no happy endings, in every sense. 

Normally we’d kiss one another on waking, ignoring each other’s morning breath but because our daily encounters are getting later so does our morning kiss to the point that it will eventually become the kiss good night. 

I’m now at a point where I feel it would be easier to negotiate a Brexit trade deal. This problem is keeping me up at night and I need to fix it soon just to stop the cat being anxious.

Picture: Dude