Week 41: Do You Speak English Or Just Scottish?

Friday 12th October 2018

Reading time 2 minutes 26 seconds

Listening time 31 seconds  

“Help! I need somebody, Help! Not just anybody….” – The Beatles

Me: Have I told you I recently performed in Edinburgh? 

You: Really? Not sure you’ve mentioned it………

Me: Enough of the sarcasm. I have a problem I need your help with.

You: But you’ve never engaged with us previously, you don’t even reply to the kind (and sometimes silly) comments people leave you. Social media is all about engagement.

Me: I’m shy?

You: Says the man who posted almost naked pictures of himself performing in front of strangers!

Me: Please, just help me?

You: OK. Continue (but this had better be good…)

The Scene: The 101 Comedy club in Edinburgh.
The Format: Five great comedians and one mediocre MC. I’m the MC.

Like a lady of the night I stand on a street corner and convince people to attend our show. I’m not a big head but I am good at engaging the public and alongside a very savvy business partner, who does the electronic side of things, together we fill the room. It is an excellent space designed for comedy and we sold out every show. In total over 1500 people passed through our doors.

Towards the end of the festival I received a voicemail from a Scottish man. I listened to it and only understood 80%.

The unknown words have been driving me mad ever since and I’ve become so obsessed with it that I listen at least once a week and play it repeatedly. It’s surpassed its 300th listen this week. Each time I hear it I’m so wound up, confused and frustrated that I have to partake in some heavy breathing to reduce my blood pressure.

I’ve built a picture of voicemail man within my mind and my imagination tells me that he does a lot of work for charity, loves his kids and looks like Gerald Butler. In reality he sounds like an older Kevin Bridges.

I’ve made a permanent recording of it because voicemails are like Kaiser Soze, one day they are just gone. 

I’ve attached the file and there is a link also. It’s what the kids call SFW (safe for work). In other words, and to paraphrase the greatest singer song writer that ever lived, you can listen without prejudice. [RIP George Michael]

And here’s where I need you lovely reader. What does he say? 

Here is the transcript of what I believe it says;

“Hello Matthew, I’ve come to see your show, It was {no Idea what’s said here} at the Hanover Tap the other day, me and the four kids. 

It was a brilliant show, just wanted to say thank you very much and I’ll catch your show another day and if you {No Idea what’s said here} that would be brilliant. 

Thank You Good bye.”

The blank bits are driving me mad. I know I should have just deleted it but I didn’t, so I’ve created a problem that I can no longer solve. 

This article was inspired by my girlfriend who said if I don’t stop listening to this stupid recording she’s throwing the laptop out the window. I may have fractionally tested her patience. 

Some clues to help us;

· He calls me Matthew not Mat. The only other person to call me Matthew is my sister who can only do a Welsh accent [badly]

· He knows my mobile phone number. How did he get this? 

· It’s not one of my talented friends who can mimic accents as I questioned them first. (I’ve also asked my enemies as I keep them closer, they told me to go away as I’m too near and needy. Some of them won’t even talk to me. Enemies are so rude!)

· They bought their kids to the show. Who does this? Are they a good parent? They must be if they are doing all that charity work.

Help! You know I need someone