Week 30: No, You’re A Poopy Bum Head

Friday 27th July 2018

Reading time 3 minutes 65 seconds

“Never work with animals and children” W.C.Fields

If I told you that you were a Poopy Bum Head I wonder if you would find it funny? I suspect you would think I was a little bit strange and regressed to being a child. And of course, you would be right.

The Poopy Bum Head insult is not the domain of a 47-year old man. It is best left to those who are four decades younger.

I’ve never had the urge to reproduce as it has always seemed such a strange concept to me. Like most parents I don’t like other people’s children and as I don’t have my own I guess that means I don’t like children. I am the Child catcher from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.

Recently however I’ve discovered that children are funny. They make me laugh and I mean proper belly laugh like I did when I was their age. Children have no internal editor and I find that free spirit inspiring and being around them makes me feel young. I guess if you are a parent you would know this already.

I’ve had two experiences recently where Children have made me cry with laughter and taught me that in comedy I’m still taking baby steps. Although if your baby was this slow you’d be seeking an appointment with your GP.

Experience One.

Comedy festival, one-hour show, afternoon slot. We’ve even been in the running for a prestigious comedy award, that we failed to win, but like an Oscar Nominee we will continue talking about it.

The concept of the show is that we exaggerate tales with suggestion from the children. It started well but quickly went wrong when it was suggested that I have a sword fight with a 5-year-old, which I knew I could win as he was slightly smaller than me.

The other kids, who were not invited to the duel, decided to join in and a heartbeat later I was being attacked by 8 children with foam swords. I got in a few good blows but there were just too many of them and they were winning. I realised I was being beaten up with adults watching and it reminded me of my school playground.

I feigned death and proceeded to die, inside as well as out. The army of swordfighters thought this was hilarious and hit me more. I fell to the floor and they bundled on top of me football celebration style and as I tried to stand realised I couldn’t, so I cried out for help, but the parents ignored me. This went on until the show ended and I received some thanks from the parents for exhausting their children. I felt like a cross between Russell Crowe and Russ Abbott.

Experience Two

Music festival. I was an MC or rather the filler between bands. There was an 8-foot-high stage and a barrier in front so there was no way I could be attacked by kids.

After my first introduction one child stood at the barrier looking intently at me. I went into stock stand up mode and said “Hello, young sir what’s your name and what do you do for a living?”

The child laughed.

The rest of the 1500 audience were lounging around not paying any interest.

We carried on and I repeated what the child said. Some of the audience perked up and laughed. Then another child ran up and joined in. One of the kids then called me a poopy bum head. Did you say Poopy bum head I repeated into the microphone? YESSSSS – he said – YOU’RE A POOPY BUM HEAD.

The audience laughed. My job was done.

Throughout the day this scenario repeated itself as more kids seized the opportunity to be ‘interviewed’ by the MC and take the opportunity to put him in his place.

ME: Young man what would like to say?

CHILD #1: You are Mr Poopy bum head.

ME: Ok thank you. Sir do you have anything to add?

CHILD #2: Yes. You are the worst introducer ever.

It went on.

‘Your football team smells’ [how did they know?]

‘Your trainers are rubbish’ [this one hurt as they were my favourites]

‘I entered a photo into the ugliest photo competition and it won, the picture was of your face’ [I belly laughed at this one]

You are a poopy bum head – [I heard that over a 100 times and it’ still making me laugh]

No one could hear the kids exact words so I’d play with it some of it for comic effect. The parents were laughing as were the kids and by the end of the evening there were about 50 little people politely taking it in turns to hurl insults.

On the drive home that night I had a huge grin on my face earned from a fun, if not exhausting day at the office. I was in need of a some kindness though as it had been tiring. I arrived home and my cats blanked me which was their version of a human insult. My day was complete.

Picture: Early on in the proceedings