Friday, 29 November 2019
Reading time 2 minute 28 seconds
Sorry I’m late Saint Peter, I had great nurses – Graffiti in NHS hospital
My recent holiday started badly as I became ill on the plane. I felt pain and discomfort and I wasn’t even flying Ryan Air. I hoped it would go, but sadly hope is not the best medicine.
I planned to relax while away and illness was not going to stop that so on arrival I asked the hotel where I could find a doctor. They were very accommodating and as if by magic one appeared in under five minutes. Wow, I’d never experienced that before. My doctors surgery can take that long to answer the phone as the staff there are so pushed to breaking point.
I choked when he mentioned his rate, luckily he was a doctor and knew the Heimlich manoeuvre. I asked if he was joking and he said I must be British and a fan of the NHS. I truly believe in universal health care for every human on the planet but my beliefs wouldn’t help me now so I agreed to his costs. It’s tough to haggle when you’re in pain and don’t want to upset your Mrs by ruining her or your holiday. The high ideals I hold when I’m not sick are very different to the ideals of a sick me, which is less than, well, ideal I guess.
I should have phoned the insurance company and had a four hour argument trying to get approval but the doctor was as present as my agony and he started to examine me. At one point he was tapping my body like a trades person tests a wall for dry rot.
Blood pressure, Liver, Spleen, Kidneys all excellent. He said I was very healthy and that I had the heart of an Elephant. Was he a vet as well, would that account for his costs as he has double training fees to repay?
He then tested me for diabetes and said this was the best score he’d ever seen. By this stage I was blushing about all the praise my body was getting so I reminded him of the agony I was in.
The body flattery all made sense when he announced it was time to check my prostate. If you are unsure what a prostate is, it’s located inside a males bum, does something important and mine was expecting a visitor.
Just so I understood through his accent I enquired if the prostate exam was the intrusive one and if so I exclaimed that I hadn’t even met his parents. At this he started to laugh. A Lot. It started in his belly and made his stethoscope jiggle. At one point he leaned on the chair and laughed harder. This set me off and I joined the man who was soon going to be very intimate with me.
I was trying to make light of the situation, which considering the doctor was going where the sun don’t shine, made sense.
For a moment we were just two humans sharing a joke. I needed another to stall for time but my mind blanked then he ruined the moment by telling me to bend over. He was going to have his wicked way but in a medical sense.
He KY jellied up a few fingers. I wondered what the initials stood for but that thought left my mind as his probing started. Moon River! It was not as unpleasant as it sounds.
There was a mirror across the room and I saw myself and this stranger behind me reflected back. The doctor appeared as though he was looking for some lost keys down the back of a sofa. It was a successful rummage because he pulled out and like a cork leaving a fine bottle of red wine I heard a satisfying plop.
He remarked that I was an incredibly healthy young man and gave me a prescription and within a day I no longer had the Earache.
Photo: Bear with me again